Suicide is painless. . . reflection

There is a lot, a lot, of published material out there about learning to know yourself. In some cases this is about suppressing yourself and becoming something that you think is better, Much of the rest of it is about coming to some sort of acceptance about yourself and the way you react to things.

In the post about my friend's suicide I was trying to express what I was going through and in some way trying to understand it all. This friend wasn't the first person I have known well who has died, but the act of suicide of a formally close friend took me by surprise. By some of the reactions I got from other friends, I certainly wasn't the only one shocked by the whole event.

I though in the interest of completeness, and to be honest, trying to get further along with an understanding of myself,  make no real apologies for the fact that, at times, this blog serves as an outlet for some of my angst and I guess in that way serves as a silent listening post. You know, a perfect way to get things off my chest, and not have to listen to someone else try to bend it into their universe of understanding.

So where am I?

I think about it quite a lot. I will be honest, a tiny bit of the sting has gone from thinking about it. It occurs to me to think about it when I see things that remind me of my friend. I do not mean this in the way that, this was his, or that is where we hung out, because I do not have to deal with that. I hadn't seen him in a while as I explained in the first post. So there isn't that reminder in my face. I imagine that for his widow and parents , that must be very difficult. It must also hinder the process of moving forward. I guess it is far too early to suggest moving forward at the moment.

Have I moved forward? A bit yes. After the shock of the event and the immediate aftermath, you do tend to fall back onto your core understanding of the universe. I understand that everyone dies. Everyone you know will be dead given enough time. I guess that fundamental truth makes it harder for us all to understand suicide. If the inevitable is coming, why jump through the door when you don't have to?

That to me is the key. It is a choice, a choice that in reality we all are making each time we check before we cross the road. Before we wait for the train to arrive rather than jumping on the tracks. As it is a choice, why did he choose that? So I haven't moved that far forward. I am still wondering why.

As before, it is not why as in trying to understand what the external forces at play were. Much more trying to understand the internal workings of what makes a person, any person, think that this is the best option to take at that point of time. I still just don't get it. The Ghost In My Shell does not entertain these possibilities. Which means what exactly? I guess it means that whilst I understand that the options are there , I do not consider it to be a path I would take.

Going back to one of the statements I made above, about the sting going out of the memory process, this is because some of the anger at him has subsided. I am still pissed that he didn't reach out to someone, anyone, me, but with time anger should fade with reflection. I would like to give him a shake, tell him to snap out of it and have a drink.

I am not trying to belittle mental illness. Certainly not trying to say that a simple shake and a beer would have cured , no 'cured' is the wrong word, but I am not sure what the right word is. I am trying to say that I realise it is far more complex than anything simple could help to rectify. Rectify, I think that is the word I am looking for. To change the situation from one where he decided to hang himself, to one where he didn't.

That is however the big thing about it all isn't it? I can't do that anymore, because he is dead. Another fundamental truth is that dead people do not come back to life. So as the cliche holds true, there is regret. Regret, mixed into everything.

I would have just liked to catch up.

Have I learnt more about myself? yes I have. I guess in my journey that will help me a bit. Doesn't make this suck any less though.

A word on the music in the post, because although the post isn't about music, it is there for background. The first song is Unsung by helmet. It was chosen because it is a reaction to a friend's suicide. The second song is Aphex Twin and Parallel lines. It was chosen because I think it represents a dystopia. The final song(s) is a beautiful place in the country by Boards of Canada. I chose it because it somehow reminds me of summers spent at the beach with my mate, or at least a rose tinted view of the past.